| Just when Ithought it was over... |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|09:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
In the past 2 weeks, I have heard a few accounts of Ian talking shit about us - still.
I suppose all this effort was simply to clear my name, in the end. I have done everything I could to get us past this malice. I've played fair. I've played nice. I've had him in my home. I've made an effort to converse with him in public. I've paid my dues. I can't help it if he doesn't pay his.
I think this is it, folks. I did all I could, and I'm so done with trying to be his friend. |
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| The end |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|11:34 am] |
Things have been going well. So well, in fact, that I don't need this space anymore. I am where I want to be in my friendship with him. We aren't the best of pals, but we aren't sworn enemies either. We've come to be good acquaintences again, which is all I ask. We can talk to one another amicably in public and do not have to avoid each other any more.
Hooray effort! This is what I set out to accomplish, and have done so rightly.
So, this journal is no longer a need for me. Thanks for reading. I'll see you folks back at de_la_luz. |
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| ::dance dance dance:: |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|08:37 am] |
It keeps getting better and better, although it's not getting easier.
I saw Kate last night who informed me that "both of them" would be attending a going away party for a friend.
"He's sucking it up and is going to go to the party. He's such a drama queen, I swear."
This is good! Queenie-ness aside, it's good that he's loosening up enough to be able to come over into our home. I was very glad to hear this. I tried not to let it show. I tried to play it cool like it didn't matter a lot to me.
"Yeah. It's just a party for a mutual friend of ours. He shouldn't read into it so much."
::insert foot in mouth::
Because, you know, it does mean something. For me, entering our home is a symbolic gesture of acceptance and approval. Why would you come over to our home if you weren't going to accept the fact that we do, in fact, share a living space? (I suppose that's why my mother refuses to visit, but that's another story.) So the fact that he is coming over means a lot. Apparently, to all parties involved.
But it doesn't just stop there with the goodness.
So as the night went on I realized that he was also at Tube (which, I sort of expected, as we were there for another mutual friend's birthday.) I had been mentally prepping for this for a while. How would I act? What would I say? Would I say anything at all? I almost didn't. After a cup of coffee and a cigarette, I was all nerves and wires, so you could imagine my anxiety at the site of him. I was buzzing in that "icantstopmovingmylegorimightdiefromexplodingintoamillionpieces" way.
For a good 10 minutes I avoided eye contact and didn't say anything even though he was constantly within 15 feet of me. And then I realized that it would do me no good to wait around for him to say hello as I have to be consistent in my actions. (By this I mean that if I want something to happen, i can't stand around and wait for it. As I had done in the past, I had to act.) So I politely patted him on the shoulder as he was mid-stride and nodded hello. He nodded back, raised a hand, and continued walking. Hooray for acknowledgement! He sat where (of course) all of our mutual friends were seating, including Luke. This made things awkward for me, but in a good way. It forced me to have to see him over and over again, where it would have just been easier to sit in another corner of the room and hide (which crossed my mind.) If I wanted to be near Luke and the rest of my friends (whom I have been missing lately), I had to be near Ian, comfortable or not.
To avoid this getting lengthier than it already is, I will cut to the abbreviated version without having to give you each play by play. So, after a while I initiated a conversation because it was awkward that we were sitting next to one another and saying nothing. So we actually talked like real life grown ups! It was awkward, and recognizably forced, and I was still nervous as hell, but I eventually got to the point in my comfortablility in the conversation to be able to tell him how nervous I was. (I assurred him that I was nervous in a good way. he assurred me that I would get over my nerves.) I figured it would be good to acknowledge how I was feeling at the moment as I could imagine that he felt uncomfortable and awkward too. Neither of us are very good with confrontation, especially not with one another.
It made it even better that Luke talked to him a little as well. It's important that he understand that BOTH Luke & I mean him no harm. So it meant a lot to me to see Luke make him laugh. We all sat at one table, with all of our friends, interacting.
FINALLY.
He confirmed Kate's allegations that he would indeed be attending the party on Friday, and played it off as no big deal despite her mentionings. (I did not mention to him that Kate and I already discussed his attendance.)
I will be nervous. I will be anxious. But it will all be alright.
I have to be consistent.
I have to be conscious of my actions.
I have to NOT fuck up.
I've done so much growing to fuck this all up now. Wish me good luck. |
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| EEEE!! |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|10:16 am] |
I got a response!
I totally didn't think that I would! I was convinced that I would never hear from the kid again. and then... SIGNS OF LIFE! HOORAY!!!! While it didn't say much, the fact that he even responded is enough for me to celebrate. He didn't even say that he wants to be friends. BUT, he didn't say that he doesn't! And that's enough for me.
"So what did he say?" you ask. Well, he thanked me for saying nice things. And then he very briefly updated me on his current state in two short sentences.
And then he said "I guess we'll see".
But this can mean so may things!!!
This can mean "I guess we'll see how we can try friendship again"
or
"I guess we'll see how my current situation plays out"
or
"I guess we'll see if you play your cards right"
or
You get the picture. It doesn't really say anything. So I am left to my own devices for interpretation, which can be bad. Normally, I would ask for clarification, but with him, especially in delicate situations, I know better than to do that. so, i let it be.
And then I drafted a response. Like, 10 times. And every time I read it, I was interrupted by another interpretation of "I guess we'll see". The responses got shorter and shorter as I erased the previous ones and restarted. Eventually I whittled it down to a "thank you" for responding and reitterating that my doors are still open, no pressure.
So, yeah. I'm excited over almost nothing right now. But I am excited that I received a response. A sober response. Perhaps vague and untelling, but a response no less. I'm going to let it sit and simmer. And then I will move again. |
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| Nothing to lose |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|12:36 pm] |
“Id like to be friendly again. I dont know if thats something that you want or are ready for. While I may hope so, I respect if you dont want that…”
I’ve got nothing to lose, right? I mean, the kid already hates my guts. What’s the worst than can happen? Him hate me more? More than not talking to me? More than ignoring me? Answer: not much. So I took a stab at it. Why the hell not? I’ve got nothing to lose.
I’ve been thinking about this olive branch for some time now. Once the apology was set in place, I let it sit. It simmered. I put it out there and expected nothing back. I wasn’t looking for a friendship when I apologized. I wasn’t ready for it. It was a simple admission of my faults to let him know that I recognized my mistakes. I wasn’t ready to be friends yet.
But now I am. And it’s become important to me. Why? I can’t pin point why. It’s more of a general sentiment. Luke asked me what the benefit of being friends with him is. It’s a good question. And at first I was so taken by it that I couldn’t come up with an answer. Now that I have had more time to think about it, I can.
1)We have many mutual friends. Mutual *close* friends. It would be nice if we could enjoy their company in the same space when we have to. I can only imagine how awkward it is for them. (and yes, they have expressed awkwardness. Cody practically has to sneak out of his house when he sees me).
2)We run into one another too much to have this be continually uncomfortable.
3)He’s shown me some really great things like comic books, various dancing clubs/bars, wonderful people that I’ve met through him. I am certain there is more that I can learn from him.
4)He is wonderful support when you need him. He’s the type of person (so long as you’re not fighting with him) who will have your back, listen to your issues, and not try and solve your problems. In that sense he listens like a girl (in a good way). I've seen him answer calls from friends at 4am and offer to drive across town to be with them. Very empathetic, (and will break someone’s knee cap if you want him to.)
He is a fun guy. He likes to go dancing. He likes to party. He’s good company in these environments.
The kid can’t lie for the life of him. If his facial expression doesn’t give it away, his trail of curses spewing from his mouth will. (And it’s hilarious when it happens!) If you “look fat in that dress” he will flat out tell you, but in a nice way, such as “I think there are better outfits that compliment your figure better than that.” As I said, like a girl, in a good way.
Sure, he can be an immature, pouty, whiney, lazy-ass, depressed, passive-aggressive, insecure, paranoid sunuvabitch. But so can I. And this is why I can overlook the shitty things he’s done. (And they were, indeed, VERY shitty.) But I’ve done (indeed) shitty things too. People act stupidly in breakups. And we both did. And I’m done. That was soooooooooo april.
One of us has to stop being the shithead. And I figured that should be me. If I’m going to improve myself, I have to be consistent. I can’t be a hypocrit, sit back, and wait around for him to say “let’s be friends” if I have done nothing to demonstrate that I am open for that. So I opened the door. I put my best foot forward. Nothing to lose.
And if he wants to continue being a shithead, that’s fine. He can do that. That’s his right. But that doesn’t mean I am going to treat him poorly. I’ll play nice. I’ll play fair. I’ll still be pleasant. But I will know to keep my distance.
If I can come out of this with a friend, that would be awesome. At the very least, I can walk away saying that I did my best and tried my hardest. I can come away saying that I did my part and remained consistent.
And that, my dear friends, is why I am trying so hard. |
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| Has it been a month already? |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|02:50 pm] |
Close to one month, bitch free. In this month I have managed to both A) not be passive-aggressive via livejournal B) say I’m sorry. Yay me. And while I have not gotten a response at all, I don’t mind it. Actually, I kind of expected it. He’s not the type to forgive very easily. Fair enough.
In other news, I’ve been a whole lot of emotional lately. There is so much change around me it’s hard to keep up with. My friendships are evolving daily. It makes me a bit uncomfortable sometimes. All of the people who I always imagined would be core figures in my life are going. I always thought I would know them, but that's changing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. It just is. And that’s that. Or maybe I am just on my period. Or maybe the weather changed without my permission.
There are people who I miss who don’t exist anymore. They are not who I used to know. They are not how I know them. I did not grow or change with them, and them not with me. How… that’s life.
I feel that it’s the end of my youthful days. Now it’s work work work work meeting meeting meeting clean the house, get groceries, pay bills, cook, clean, work, sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I love my weekends. I love my nightlife. But it’s somehow different now. I’m being domesticated. I’m being tamed. And the jury is out on that one.
Ooo. Maybe I’m in a bad mood. Maybe the sun needs to come out. Maybe I need to go for a run. Maybe I should get back to work. Work work work. |
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| Hooray for pre-married husbands! |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|12:10 pm] |
So, one of the wonderful-est things about having a spouse who is already married is the fact that he is already broken in my someone else.
For example, Luke wakes up in the morning, starts the coffee, makes our lunches, and begins preparing our breakfasts while I am hardly awake, mildly grumpy that I am not in bed, and soggy from having just taken a shower. While I feel these are hardly equal morning chores, when I ask if there is anythin i can do, he says "nope. I've got it. Thanks though." and kisses me. Kari has trained him so very very well.
so when I get to my lunch (which I am feasting on as I type) I see that not only has he packed my sandwiches in a ziplock bag (sealed for freshness), but he has also INDIVIDUALLY wrapped each sandwich in wax paper as to further maintain their moisture. In addition to that, he gives me a plastic container filled with spinach to place in my sandwich when I wish to eat it as to avoid having the delicate leaflets get overly soggy when time comes to embibe my thoroughly considered meal.
And to think, this morning as we were leaving he said "I'm sorry there isn't more to add to your lunch".
HOGWASH! This is the most thought-out, well prepared, domestic "made by mom" lunch I've ever had! Hell, it's way better than my mom could ever do!
So, what I guess I'm trying to say is, thank you, Kari, for doing such an awesome job at breaking him in. And, thank you, my darling love, for being so considerate, incredible, andawake at 7 am. I love you both dearly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|09:55 am] |
I saw a car pull up in front of the house. Several pairs of legs stepped out. My view was obstructed by the street-lining trees. I also wasn't wearing my contacts. I could only see as far as their calves. One pair of female legs... then two. three. a pair of male legs... and then...
and then two. I asked Kari what she could see, and she couldn't made anything out either. I think I recall saying "if that's who i think it is, this could be not good."
But I couldn't see all that well, and I couldn't make out faces even though they were just across the street. So it wasn't until the group was about 10 feet away from us that I realized he was part of it. And so I stretched my lips across my teeth and put on my "everything is fine and ok and nothing's wrong" face. Meanwhile, my pulse made me wonder if it was possible for veins to explode from blood being pumped far too fast. Needless to say, I got all sorts of nervous.
And I just wanted to run to Luke for comfort and have him just hold me until I calmed down, but this might have made some think that I was changing my behavior to say "look how awesome we are. HAHAHA! I win!!" which is exactly what i am trying NOT to do. But I didn't want to duck out and go hide because that's not much in my nature, especially in social situations. So between not wanting anyone to get the wrong idea about my intentions, trying to play nice, and being nervous as all hell, having a good time became hard.
But I played as nice as I could. I didn't say hello, but I did say please, thank you, and excuse me when it was necessary. I didn't avoid him. I didn't circumnavigate around him. I didn't run to the other side of the party to hide. I engaged in conversations with the same people he was talking to. We all sat in a circle and talked. Perhaps he and I didn't talk to one another, but neither of us avoided conversation with others as a result of each other's presence. Believe it or not, that's a start. Because before this, social situations meant that we avoided one another like the plague. We didn't come near one another, much less look at each other. (Well, the looking hasn't changed much. He still won't look at me. But at least he can stand to be near me).
He disappeared for about 20-30 minutes. He wasn't in the house. He wasn't in the yard. He wasn't in the car. He was just gone. I began wondering if seeing me was truly that traumatic. It made me wonder if my actions had been that unforgiveable.
With him nowhere in site, I went to Luke & Cody (who were conversing) and asked how they were doing. Luke said "probably better than you are" which was true. I was still all nerves and guilt. We briefly discussed his apparent absence.
"I said I was sorry. I'm not trying to hurt him. I just don't understand why he left." Neither did they. But they carried on, and my mood continuously declined from the hot sunny day of which I was previously so appreciated.
Eventually he returned, and eventually I got over it. I think I spent a good 30 minutes being shaky and not showing it. Feeling noxious and keeping it suppressed. Minding my bounds. Remembering mixed conpany. Not. showing. weakness.
When they left, I gave hugs and goodbyes to everyone except the obvious. however, as he and Kate walked to the car, i said "Bye Kate. Bye Ian." kate gave me acknowledgement where Ian did not. I can't say that I'm surprised. But I still am hopeful. I feel like the only way to diffuse this is to befriend him. Perhaps that's why I still try. I still try because i know the only other alternative is to feel sick every time I see him, which is all too often. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|04:30 pm] |
I did it. I said I was sorry. I drafted an apology, sat on it for a few days, edited it, and sent it.
Yeah, e-messages are never a great way to apologize, but:
a) i don't have his phone number
b) it would be pretty hard trying to convince him to talk to me face to face
c) i am better with words when I can write them down. and I did... like... 10 times.
So, yeah. I'm not very good at admitting that I am wrong, but I did it. I even referred to myself as an "infantile bitch", which for the most part is accurate.
I don't know why I felt compelled to apologize. Did I feel bad about what I did? Yes. did he need to know that I felt remoresful? Not really. Is it going to make a difference? Probably not. Really, I just felt like it was something that i had to do. Maybe there is a part of me that still hopes we can be friendly. That's not so wrong, is it?
"We all need life lessons in humility every now and then. Apparently, mine is right now." That's part of how I started the apology. at the very least, I grew the balls to admit that I was wrong. I can say that for myself. I can say that I can admit when I am wrong. I may not be very good at it, but I am working on it.
Wow, this is a lot of babble for you folks. Most of you don't have any idea what i am talking about. Some of you do. Some of you even make the connection of why I am writing this here and not there. Long story short, someone I cared about spited me, and I spited him back. And then I kicked him while he was down. And then ran him over with my Buick. And then drove off screaming "HAHAHAHAHAH!! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!" all over the internet. (Well, not really, just metaphorically. had I actually hit him with my Buick... well, you get the point). Point is, when I could have made a bad situation better, I chose to make it worse. But it's easy to hurt someone else when they hurt you first. Either way, that's no excuse for being puerile.
Soooooo, who's four years old? Not me anymore! I've graduated to age 14! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssss! |
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| A news brief from Maria: |
[Jun. 19th, 2006|04:29 pm] |
I was in a fashion show this weekend. I only had 1 set. That was cool. What wasn’t cool was that there was no rehearsal, so everything got F-ed up. I did alright, but the commentator got everything all wrong. So, that sucked. Aside from that, it was a TON of fun.
I don’t have much to say aside from that. Life is grood. |
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